Wow.

I can't believe that I haven't blogged anything in such awhile.
So, much has changed. And although things still aren't the greatest, everything is just amazing. Having a child changes everything. She brings so much joy to me it's unreal... I don't know what I'd do without her now, I really don't.

I can't sleep.

I wish I wouldn't have gotten used to the fact that I have been able to sleep.
Nothing in my life can go right. And I have just made up my mind that life isn't worth all this pain.
There's no point to anything.
Not for me anyways. Everything comes tumbling around me all at once.. I put all my heart, soul, and faith into this. I have wanted this for so long. From day one. I wanted to be here. I just want to be happy. It's just not possible without you. I am pathetic. I still feel the same way I did about you the very first time I realized I loved you. I can still remember the first night I said it to you.. And you said it back. Every memory I have with you is so clear in my head it's scary. I just want all of that back. I'd do anything. And I'd give up everything and anything just to have all of it back.
I am exhausted. And I just can not do this anymore. I Can't. I tried. I just can't. I am sorry.
You don't understand how much this means to me. How much you mean to me. I don't ever want anyone else. I never will. And I know this for a fact.. I just want everything to be okay.
I just want to stop crying.
I just want you.....

life

just has a funny way of falling apart on me...
it's always all at once.
nothing can ever be right.
and i hate it.

I was right

Once again I was right. I just don't think I should put any trust in anyone ever. I just for once wanted things to stay good. And the way they should be. I hate that I was fooled once again. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair I know, but I give so much when will I get something in return. I don't know what else I could do. I just try my hardest to please you.

The weeks

just keep going by so fast. I wish time would slow down a bit. I am so nervous about this all. >_<.
I know I am ready for it all. I just didn't see this happening this soon. I have always wanted this with you. I always knew this would happen. But, I just wish you felt the same way about it too. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this. My mind hurts from keeping it all in. I just want to make you happy. I want us to make you happy. I hope that happens. I hope everything changes after all this. I really do. I wouldn't change anything about you. I just want you to be happy with me. Like I am happy with you. You're my heart, my soul, my everything. You always have been and you always will be.

I am

starting to miss everything more and more. I miss getting cute little kisses. I miss cuddling. I miss you telling me I am beautiful and how you'll never leave me.
Eh.
I just wish that everything would go back to how it should be.

I guess

I should probably just keep my feelings to myself from now on. I just thought friends were supposed to help you with this stuff? Maybe I am wrong. Maybe that's just how I am..
Eh.
Basically I think I just suck.

Can

anything go right?
I just try so hard. And I want you to notice... I want you to feel the same way I feel about you. I just wish that I could finally please you. :(

I just keep

disappointing myself by actually trusting you...
It's sad how much trust I put in you.
And I am starting to realize you deserve none.
I am starting to hate myself because I trust you.

My thoughts

just can not seem to make my life easier. I am tired of my mind straying to bad then thinking about the good. I have no peace of mind ever it seems. Not for long anyways. Maybe I need medication. Maybe I need something. I have no one to talk to ever. And to be honest even if I did have someone to talk to I probably would not share with them anyways for I have a fear of bothering people. Even if they ask me to share to them. I would feel like I am bothering them. Ucks. Maybe I have lost my mind. Maybe I lost my mind a long time ago. That would make sense to me... Heh.
I hate how everything I say is just some pointless rant.

This

feeling is so strong. I can not imagine life without you. And I hope I never have to live without you. I have so much faith in you and it will never end.
I just love you so much. Nothing will ever change that. Just say you'll be mine forever. <3

Everything

seems that it was just in my head again.
And yet, I still feel the same.
Oh lord, am I pathetic?

I just

I can not stop thinking about how much I love you.
I feel slightly pathetic.
I'd do anything for you. (As I have stated in previous blogs.)
But, I just can not believe how overwhelming these feelings are.
I still feel the same about you as I did when I first fell in love with you.
If I wouldn't have messed up it would've been our third year anniversary comming up.
I wish that day still ment something to you.
Buh.
It'd be nice if my thoughts were different. But, honestly this is all I have to blog about.
I don't really care how boring I sound. I really don't.
It's sad how Irely on my blog to get my feelings out rather then talking to an actual human. I just find that incredibly hard now. It's funny how the internet has made it so all contact outside of the computer is akward as fuck.
But, I guess that's all for now.
All for now until I decide to go on another pointless rant.

I guess

this is just how my life is going to be.
I am always going to be insanly in love with you.
Even if you are no longer with me. I will be waiting.
I don't understand why things just can't go back to you not pretending with me.
I feel all your feelings, and I know that they are all there.
I just want you to feel the same way I feel about you again.
I didn't mean to mess up....

Life

I don't know if I should believe that this happiness is real. I want it to be.
I feel like it is.
And I really hope it is.
Everything has felt amazing.
I love you.
I hope you love me.
I just hope it is safe to feel this way.

It pisses me off

how no one understands what they have is great.
Maybe, I just realized this because of the mistakes I made. But, I awoke from my mistakes. I did. I just, I wish people would see what they have. Because, what I had isn't quite right anymore. And I'd do anyting to get it to be the way it was. I jsut want everything to be okay. I just want people to start being better. Buh. I am happy. And I hope I am making you happy. And I just hope that you know I'd never hurt you again. I am not blind anymore. I'll never lose who I am again. I will never try and be something I am not. I love you. I know I love you. And I know that life is worthless without you. I hope others can figure that out in their own situations before it is too late. Before they can't have what they want back. Because that is the worst feeling ever....
I suck at blogging. I do.
I don't care though, I really don't. This is such a nice way to say things. It really is. It feels so nice to do this.
I just want to write and write forever.

Things

Seem to be alright now.
But, who knows really. Everytime I think everything is fine things come falling down around me again.
I am so very happy. I am so happy. And I don't want it to be takin away once again.
You are my everything. You have been. I think I have proven that I am here to stay. I have let you put me through so much, I don't even care. I'd do anything for you.
You are my sun and moon my soul.
Ehh.
<3
I love you.

Time

I wish I could go back and time and change tons of shit. I know you are not supposed to live with regrets. But, I surely do. I wish I could take back what I did to you. I do. I wish you could treat me like you used to. I'd do anything to be your world again. You still look at me the same. But, you are too scared to open up again. I would never do anything to hurt you ever again. I couldn't, I'd rather hurt myself. I just want everything we had back. We are going to be starting a whole new chapter in our life. And I just want you to be happy.

I am

so insecure. I just wish you'd tell me I was beautiful sometimes. I do. I don't always feel this way, but sometimes I just want to hear it from you. I know there is something wrong with me. There is. I don't know. I guess I don't really care what anyone thinks about me besides you.

My mind

is finally at ease. :)
I think I will be able to sleep a lot better at night.

I haven't

been this upset in a couple weeks. I did nothing wrong yet I am treated like I did. I don't even have to do anything or say anything and you freak out on me for no reason.

People

Just tend to suck. They really do. I believe that I have lost al faith in mainly all people. No matter how much trust you put into someone, no matter how much you do for someone they are assholes. It's just plain confusing. I am tired of always seeming like I am a bad guy. I do not do anything wrong. I help. And when I try and take a break from everything, and be happy. Oh yeah, I am a horrible person. I forgot that I am the one friend in the group that isn't supposed to be allowed happiness. So, all the people they are friends with sits there and makes them feel bad for being happy. I hate this, I am happy. Why can't you all just be nice? I am sorry I have spent less time with you all. My life has changed a lot. It's not ever going to be the same. I can't do as much stuff. I can't party. I can't do anything. Accept it. If you love me and care about our friendship you will do just that.

Could this really be

happening? Are things really good? Oh, yes they are! My oh my do I hope they stay this way. I'd do anything to keep them this way. You are my everything you are my world. I hope that you learn to feel the same way about me. Or learn how to show it. Ah. Words can not even express how happy I am. Happy right now is just an understatment. Everything seems to be falling into place.

Sleep

just doesn't come anymore. My mind it's so restless.
I hate everything. I hate everyone.
I have no one... FUCK.

What

am I going to do?
I still do not have the slightest clue!

The way I look at it

I am going to be stuck here no matter what I choose.
Not only am I going to be stuck here, but I am going to be stuck in here alone.
Hmfs. =[

Hmfs

I feel so distant from everyone...
I feel so distant from the one person I've never wanted to be distant with.
I just wish I could into hiding forever.
This isn't where I wanted my life to be. I just want to recieve as much from you as I give you. It seems like everytime I think everything is fine. It isn't. I am happy but at the same time I am breaking down. I don't get it. I really don't. I guess I am just scared. Fuck. =/
I have been putting all my heart and faith in this. And once again it seems like it's going to be a waste. And in the end I am going to be hurting worse then I ever have. It isn't fair. I try and be the best person I can. I try and treat others the way I want to be treated. Yet, it always seems like I am getting screwed over. Blah. I hate that I like blogging so much also. It seems like that's what I'd rather be doing constantly rather then going out and "living" my life. I think I am going to start blogging more. I have no one to listen to me. Well, I should probably take that back. I am sure I have someoene to listen to me. But, it's not who I really want to be there teh most for me. I just want to spill my heart out to you like I used to. I want you to wonder if anything is wrong when I seem down. I want you to listen to me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I can dream can't I? If anything I am just getting my hopes up for me to obviously fall. Fuck.

Worse situation ever

maybe Iwill feel better after blogging. Probably not but it's worth a try.. I don't think that anything can make me feel better, besides you, and I doubt you want to. It's okay.. It's all my fault you don't feel the same as you did before. I wish you did. I pray everyday that you will go back to the way you were. Now, we're in the worse situation we'll ever be in. And it's not going to go my way. It's going to go yours. Even if it's not what I want even if I am against it. FUCKZ. =[

Not having a computer

sucks. Ecks. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Well, everything has looked up once again. It's great. It really is. I wonder how long things will stay like this. I am happy, I love being happy. I hope I am making you as happy as you are making me. Yupp, lovely.. I just have so many insecurities though. Ecks. And it's not your fault. I just I don't know. I don't even know if I should be worrying or not. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should. Who knows? And I don't want to freet over it anymore. I just want to calm down and stay positive and hope for the best. You are my world you are my everything. I am glad I have you back.

First post

of 2010.
Yupp. So far this year sucks. And it sucks hardcore. Honestly I don't see it looking up anytime soon. I suppose I might be able to graduate soon. That's always an upsideee. Yes.. Yes it is! :D Moving to Iowa City. Well, hopefully anyways. Can't wait I suppose. But, none of this is even idk I just miss you I guess.